It is my first time to see this new depth in the story of the "invalid" (my first time to know that name in English too!). I guess that is the beauty of reading the Bible: in the story you read, you see reflections of your own situations and feelings that you currently have. Just the same as you see your face in a mirror.
I am currently going through some tough time, trying to find a job here in Canada. I am starting to feel quite "inadequate", "incompetent", not "good enough".. "invalid" for the market here. This is why I could empathize with the "invalid" man. I applied in like 40 job postings, and I got almost 3 interviews out of that. It is these moments in time when you hear voices in your head telling you: "see, you are no good for anything, everyone around you is reaching something, and you are setting there in your same place!"
I imagine the invalid man used to compare himself to those around him, and by this I don't mean only the healthy good-looking people walking all around the pool, but even those "disabled/sick/blind" people around him! Nothing is worse than feeling that you are even the worst of the worse. This got healed, that can walk now, this could jump the fastest to the pool. Why can't I do like them? Why can't I jump to the pool fast enough! Why am I that much of a loser!
When these voices start accumulating inside, you have one of options answers (or sometimes both):
1- you start accepting these thoughts, thinking low of yourself and say "I am a loser, I am not good for anything, even a task as simple as "jumping in the pool" is too difficult for me to do for 38 years! I am a failure!". And let me introduce this to you: This is called Mr. "shame". It turns you to a miserable person that with time feels not even worth living.
2- you refuse these thoughts, and start thinking "No, I must find a valid justification for this. I must have a logical reason to fight back that look in my wife's eye when she asks me 'why can't you jump just like everybody else'. I must be prepared to answer the mockers and the relatives. Find a reason, a nice one that puts no guilt on you. A reason that could make you rather a victim than a loser. A reason that would turn that mocking look in people's eyes to one of empathy and sympathy. What nice reason could there be? Ah... I think all these ones get some help from someone, but I don't have any! See...! poor me... now I am all by myself, while all these other people who succeed has people around them.. they must do!". And let me introduce this to you: This is called Mr. "Blaming". You start defending yourself by attacking before being attacked, accusing others before being accused.
I see the second option very obvious in that man's reply to Jesus.
Think of this as that: Your husband is coming back from work, and you haven't made dinner yet. You are already feeling guilty for not doing so, fighting the voices inside your brain telling you "you are a loser, what kind of wife would leave her husband like that.. where have you spent all the day! what will you say to him when he comes and the dinner is not there yet". She hears the sound of the door opening, and she sees her husband coming in. "Oh boy, here he comes!!", she thinks. Her husband smiles and says "Is dinner done yet, honey?". She bursts out in rage shouting "What I am supposed to do, I am here in the house all by myself all day long, trying to study for the kids, do the cleaning.. and look at you, you are not even helping me in anything. How many times did I ask you to fill the dishwasher for me, or to pick up your clothes that are everywhere... I am sick of this."
Feeling shame, and guilt, makes you feel low on yourself, and makes you attack, defend yourself, blame others..
Heal us Jesus... from shame and guilt... Amen
I am currently going through some tough time, trying to find a job here in Canada. I am starting to feel quite "inadequate", "incompetent", not "good enough".. "invalid" for the market here. This is why I could empathize with the "invalid" man. I applied in like 40 job postings, and I got almost 3 interviews out of that. It is these moments in time when you hear voices in your head telling you: "see, you are no good for anything, everyone around you is reaching something, and you are setting there in your same place!"
I imagine the invalid man used to compare himself to those around him, and by this I don't mean only the healthy good-looking people walking all around the pool, but even those "disabled/sick/blind" people around him! Nothing is worse than feeling that you are even the worst of the worse. This got healed, that can walk now, this could jump the fastest to the pool. Why can't I do like them? Why can't I jump to the pool fast enough! Why am I that much of a loser!
When these voices start accumulating inside, you have one of options answers (or sometimes both):
1- you start accepting these thoughts, thinking low of yourself and say "I am a loser, I am not good for anything, even a task as simple as "jumping in the pool" is too difficult for me to do for 38 years! I am a failure!". And let me introduce this to you: This is called Mr. "shame". It turns you to a miserable person that with time feels not even worth living.
2- you refuse these thoughts, and start thinking "No, I must find a valid justification for this. I must have a logical reason to fight back that look in my wife's eye when she asks me 'why can't you jump just like everybody else'. I must be prepared to answer the mockers and the relatives. Find a reason, a nice one that puts no guilt on you. A reason that could make you rather a victim than a loser. A reason that would turn that mocking look in people's eyes to one of empathy and sympathy. What nice reason could there be? Ah... I think all these ones get some help from someone, but I don't have any! See...! poor me... now I am all by myself, while all these other people who succeed has people around them.. they must do!". And let me introduce this to you: This is called Mr. "Blaming". You start defending yourself by attacking before being attacked, accusing others before being accused.
I see the second option very obvious in that man's reply to Jesus.
6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”You can see that Jesus was barely asking the question, when the guy jumped to defending himself, as if Jesus was implicitly accusing him of something! I read the question "Do you want to get well?" and I expect the answer to be "Yes sir, this is why I am setting here...". But the guy jumped to defending himself and saying justifications as if he's saying "Don't think I am a loser... here is the reason". He moreover started blaming others "I have noone to help me"!
Think of this as that: Your husband is coming back from work, and you haven't made dinner yet. You are already feeling guilty for not doing so, fighting the voices inside your brain telling you "you are a loser, what kind of wife would leave her husband like that.. where have you spent all the day! what will you say to him when he comes and the dinner is not there yet". She hears the sound of the door opening, and she sees her husband coming in. "Oh boy, here he comes!!", she thinks. Her husband smiles and says "Is dinner done yet, honey?". She bursts out in rage shouting "What I am supposed to do, I am here in the house all by myself all day long, trying to study for the kids, do the cleaning.. and look at you, you are not even helping me in anything. How many times did I ask you to fill the dishwasher for me, or to pick up your clothes that are everywhere... I am sick of this."
Feeling shame, and guilt, makes you feel low on yourself, and makes you attack, defend yourself, blame others..
Heal us Jesus... from shame and guilt... Amen
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